Hello, and thank you for your recent purchase of a Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System. The Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System is one of the most popular products on the market, with forty million customers in the United States alone. So you can rest easy, knowing that your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System is the highest-quality security system available to alert you to any and every danger that may be lurking nearby, no matter how unlikely.
To get started, simply install Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System sensors on your front door, and then on your bedroom door, and then on the kitchen door, and then on the bathroom door, and then on the closet doors, and then maybe put another one on your bedroom door, just to be safe. You can never be too safe! You can also never be truly safe.
One perk of your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System is that it remains on 24/7. That means that, no matter the hour, your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System is monitoring for all the certain dangers that lie in wait just outside your house, and inside your house, as well. Our SureSafe technology insures that you cannot turn the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System off, no matter how hard you try. In fact, the harder you try to turn it off, the harder our Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System works! That’s the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System guarantee.
Once properly installed, your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System will emit a piercing shriek at irregular intervals throughout the day and night. This is to remind customers that they are under constant threat and to help them stay tense, vigilant, and irritable at all times.
You’ll be happy to know that the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System now comes with EarlyAlert, a feature that alerts you of dangers before the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System has even identified what those dangers are. The EarlyAlert system insures that you’ll walk around perpetually prepared for some kind of unspecified disaster. If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong, but you can’t figure out what it is, and that somehow makes it worse—that just means that EarlyAlert is working.
Your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System also includes patented 2-A.M.-alert technology, which rouses clients in the middle of the night to warn them of potential dangers, such as:
Did you talk too much at Casey’s party?
Did you talk too little at brunch?
Have you been saying “hors d’œuvre” wrong this whole time?
In kindergarten, you were accused of peeing your pants, even though you hadn’t. Is it too late to contact your entire class and set the record straight?
What if someone makes you sing in front of a large group of people someday?
Do all of your friends have a separate group text where they talk about all the dumb things you say in the original group text?
Are your toes wrong?
Would it be worse for you to get Alzheimer’s disease, or for your spouse to get Alzheimer’s disease? You must decide immediately.
You have a meeting six weeks from now. What are all the ways it could go wrong?
In the fourth grade, you cut in front of Max M. in the pencil-sharpening line. Is he still mad at you?
Have you done enough to prepare for the inevitable deaths of every person you love?
For an additional fifty dollars a month, your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System will come with a Social-Anxiety Home-Security System add-on, which locks the doors of your house from the inside. With the Social-Anxiety feature, you can be sure that NO ONE is getting out of your house, no matter how valid his excuse for leaving book club early.
Of course, no Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System would be complete without a panic button. Once the panic button is pushed, the Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System will immediately drain the house of fifty per cent of its oxygen. Take that, bad guys/whoever is around!
If you’re happy with your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System, then we think you’ll love our newest product: the Generalized-Anxiety Health-and-Wellness Security System, made possible through a partnership with WebMD. Working together, we can inform users which coughs are cancerous and which coughs are merely dengue fever.
We truly do hope that you enjoy our product. Now, isn’t it about time to check that your Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System is still working? You know, just in case?
