MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President’s niece exploded on Tuesday, after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump.
Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump’s college admission a secret, but, with the impending publication of Mary Trump’s book, “it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”
The Russian President said that, when young Donald Trump was applying to college, in the nineteen-sixties, Putin was making “a few extra rubles” by offering his services as a test-taker to wealthy but academically hopeless American high-school students.
“I recall the day that I took Trump’s SATs as clearly as if it were yesterday,” Putin said. “I totally aced them.”
As the years rolled by, Putin followed with intense interest the career of the man whose SATs he took.
“I often asked myself, ‘How will Donald Trump ever repay me for putting him on the path to Wharton?’ ” Putin said, with a devilish smile. “As it turned out, I found a way.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, refused to address the Putin bombshell and instead questioned the authenticity of Mary Trump’s memoir. “No one named Trump has ever actually written a book,” McEnany said.
